Super-duper natural in the way I rap it all
so glad you all bear this crap at all
I say I wasn’t on the map at all
now they call me London I'm absolutely capital
With mr scratchitt to back it all
like a bat and ball most compatible
here to bash ‘em all go beyond the rational
out to win the Grand National
dash it all
I’ve an eye for a lucky young lady
whose husband’s off with the navy
with the chestnut hair so wavy
and likes a drumstick dipping in the gravy
It’s an absolute weakness damn you
when the chaps down the vicarage ban you
being caught by the big pink Mandolin
smashing in the back doors of Mary of the Magdelin

..by the moon I could hum you a tune whatever the weather
me here with you all the things we could do together forever
I’ve a small place, just a short way, just a quick walk right across town
It’s a small place, not a poor place, but enough space we can lie down
and I can show you around my ancient hieroglyphics from my Egyptology finds
and you can show your camel toe toe-di-oh-doe

I say where’s she gone now, bugger, Mr Scratchitt if you please

Well now it’s time to bid you all thanks and to rid you all
from the phallus of a callous individual
no residual steam left to lap it up
and now we’ve given you the full cream time to wrap it up
we’ve another gig down in Dorset
for when I dig down in the corset
I prefer to be neatly shaven
in a Gilf-ord or Milf-ord Haven
I say it’s a question of decency it’s not the Middle Ages nor the Regency
In Australia when I'm down under I expect bush
not a tropical tundra
stood there all stiff as if an icicle
I’m scared to lift it up and see Mice at all
It’s not nice at all if I’m to pay the price at all
clear the damn shed so I can park the bicycle

..So there with you we can admire the view together together
you there all smooth with your tight little groov-y leather upholstered armchair
you beasts you
I’ve a small thing, just a short swing but it hits the ball across town
not a wrong thing to have a long thing but you do tend to find that it crowds around
and when you’re allowed to get down to the damn thing and you’re summoned upon the mound and there you find that it won’t go
nooooo

Then you’re in trouble aren’t you what?
I say you’re In trouble there aren’t you Mr Scratchitt?
What the devils are you going now?
I thought I kept it rather clean this time
oh well please yourself
I fuck you very much